6 reasons that (not) prevent the adoption of the child

Take a baby or older child? How his heredity will manifest? Should he tell him that he

is not a native child? Family psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya explains several parental prejudices.

There are more and more foster parents. In Moscow alone, for 2010, the number of foster families increased 15 times. According to the Department of Family and Youth Policy of the city of Moscow, more than 2000 children were in families — they were adopted, taken under guardianship, on patronage education or in a foster family. What motives encourage the decision to take one, and sometimes several children?

“Of course, childless couples in this way get the opportunity to become parents, but for many the main motive is to take a child from the orphanage, to become a family for him,” explains the psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya. — More and more adults are decided to take a adopted child because they understand that they have the strength, health and resources in order to change the childhood of this child and be responsible for his fate ”.

Adoption — difficult and long -term business. It requires such energy that parents often withstand only because their heart warms the perfect image of the long -awaited child. But, as with the appearance of native children, they inevitably face the fact that their ideas about the child to one degree or another do not correspond to reality.

The more future foster parents know, the fewer illusions they have, the less disappointments they have to

“It is dangerous to load children with their expectations about what they should be,” the psychologist warns. — too often it ends with the disappointment of parents and the child’s protest. After all, he, like any person, is important that he is loved without conditions, simply because he is «.

When the adoptive child gets into the family, then everyone — both him and his new parents — needs time to navigate and build a new order. And he will not always behave like the one that his foster parents dreamed about. The more prepared for this meeting will come, the fewer they have illusions regarding the unborn child, the less disappointment they have to.

1. It is better to adopt a baby

A baby is not a pure page at all, he already has his own story. Those who believe that they can fully “rewrite” it are mistaken and forget that the child is adopted. Until he was half a year (and sometimes more), it is difficult to assess the risk that before or after birth he could transfer any diseases or injuries.

“Not all parents can cope with this level of uncertainty, and not everyone is ready to mess with the baby,” emphasizes Lyudmila Petranovskaya. — But for the baby himself, it is undoubtedly important that he is taken from the child’s house as early as possible — every day he spends here slows down his development ”.

On the physical and mental development of older children, of course, you can find out more. And foster parents are easier to make a balanced decision. In addition, children with experience of family life with biological parents — even if it was not the best experience, but they loved them and took care of them at least occasionally — adapt faster in a foster family, they have a sincere affection earlier.

“Such a child knows what it means“ to be a child in the family ”, he is focused on adults, is ready to listen to them, trust them,” the psychologist continues. -He, in a sense, shares the process of adoption. And he also “takes new parents to the family”. And to those who have no experience of close relationships with adults, it is more difficult to believe that they love him, such children simply do not know what it means to love. Therefore, it is easier to cope with them to adults who have this not the first or not the first adopted child. «.

«I immediately got the feeling that this is my child»

Seven years ago, 45-year-old Inna, a governing worker in the hotel business, decided to adopt the child. Now, together with her civil husband, they are already raising three adopted children.

“I grew up with brothers and sisters and always dreamed of a large family. But for a long time it failed. When, after several years of treatment for infertility, doctors invited me to make Eco, I decided that it was enough to mock my own body. And refused. But the desire to have children remains — I thought about adoption. To better understand what it is and how everything happens, she graduated from the school of adoptive parents. However, I did not submit documents for adoption immediately: it took me another six months to make the final decision and prepare for the appearance of the child.

The civil husband has a child from his first marriage, so the main “ideologist” of adoption was precisely. My husband always supports me, with children he has a wonderful relationship. I saw a photo of the monthly Marusi on one of the forums where foster parents communicate. There were three children in the picture, but it was her face that hooked me with something, with touching eyebrows. I realized that I want to meet a girl, and called the guardianship authorities.

When Marusya was brought to the hospital, I immediately had the feeling that it was my child. Such a natural feeling, as if in the morning I took her to a nursery, and now I have come to pick up. So the first daughter appeared in my family. Similar feelings arose, and when I met Makarushka and Irish. A chain of accidents and coincidences was associated with each of these meetings. And at the same time, I understand: they would hardly have happened if I had no determination, some pressure and a very strong desire to have children ”.

2. He should be like adoptive parents

The similarity of appearance or character does not matter for family relationships. Any child, as soon as he has attachment to new parents, becomes like them. “He involuntarily begins to copy their facial expressions, gestures,” says Lyudmila Petranovskaya. — I often observe such cases. Children’s behavior does not depend on their nationality or race. So, in a loving family with two adopted children after some time, representatives of completely different nationalities, surrounding them began to take for twins «.

Nevertheless, it is more difficult for children with an Asian appearance to find a family. This is due to prejudices of potential parents.

“The inability to accept representatives of a different culture, fear of people of another nationality, religion means that they are also not ready to endure any mismatch with their own views and traditions of the family,” the psychologist continues. — And this is a serious contraindication to adoptive parental. Xenophobia is rarely limited to intolerance only to one or another nationality. And this means that parents will also be addicted to all that in the child that differs from the stereotype usual.